A Naked Baby is Not to be Trusted

Babies aren’t to be trusted at all. But a naked baby is like a monkey carrying a lit match and a stick of dynamite. There is no happy ending to that scenario. Over the past three and a half years I’ve seen freshly painted walls, multiple floors, two dressers, a slew of humans and probably several other items that we’ll never know about, all fall victim to a naked baby and their “uncontrolled evacuations.” I swear there’s a contest between the two boys and the two dogs to see who can mark the most territory. That list doesn’t include the ridiculously over-sized, blue hospital gown that every expectant father is required to wear. Remember those? The shirts that were made out of folded-over napkins and bought from a company whose clientele can only be NBA centers and sumo wrestlers. My youngest son’s first act right after breathing and crying was painting an ammonia stream right across the front of my blue, paper shirt. The ink on his birth certificate was still wet when he had already taken a cue from his older brother as to what acts he could get away with at that age. Thankfully, there hasn’t been any incidents regarding a naked baby and the more serious and odiferous consequences.

However, there was that one time we sat down in a restaurant and quickly thought to ourselves that there must be some sort of septic system backup or plumbing leak only to realize that it was our tiny child that had had a plumbing leak of his own, all the way down his high chair and onto the floor. Needless to say, we may never return to that Buffalo Wild Wings. Sorry again B-Dubs and the guy that was sitting next to us. At least he wasn’t naked.