Baby Talk: The Absurdity of Conversing with an Infant

I came to a startling realization the other day: People say ridiculous things to their children. Especially when you realize some of those children can’t yet speak, therefore making any and all questions directed towards infants completely unnecessary and kind of insane.

“You’re going to do WHAT with that thermometer?

Unfortunately, I only realized this after a little self-reflection. So below is a list of a few things I may or may not have said to my son that I could probably only get away with saying to him. In any other situation or in front of any other audience, the following would be considered inappropriate, asinine or just downright rude:  

• “Are you pooping right now? As we speak? Why is your face turning red?”
• “You smell like pee.”
• “Your butt stinks.”
• “Why are you crying?”
• “You know, we wouldn’t have to go through this so often if you would just not pee in your britches every 30 minutes.”
• “Are you hungry AGAIN?!?”
• “Did you have a good day today? What did you do?” (Waiting for an answer…)
• “Dude, please stop throwing up on me!”
• “You sure are chunky. You know that?”
• “Oh, good burp! Good push!”
• “I have but one request for you: Please, please, stop peeing on the wall”
• “You realize that you have drool running all down your face, right?”
• “Hey, drool bucket…”
• “Your mother loves your fat rolls”
• “Look at that Buddha belly!”
• “Look at the dimply butt!”
• “See that? That’s called a zone read. The quarterback is reading the 5 technique. If he crashes down, he keeps it. If he sits or rushes up the field, he…are you even paying attention to me? No. You’re sleeping. AGAIN.”