I’m Terrified of Flying…with a Child

You’re sitting there, on an airplane, in that seat that’s so awkward and rigid, the only explanation is they took the measurements from a Model T.  You’re a bit beaten down by the hassle of going through security and being the poor soul that was stuck behind the genius that couldn’t figure out EVERYTHING must be removed from ALL pockets.

Finally, you finish thumbing through the SkyMall realizing that there are a surprisingly large number of items you would like to purchase when you look up and see a small child being escorted to their seat by a parent with that “I’m so sorry for what’s about to happen over the course of the next few hours” look on their face. Immediately you begin praying that their seats are actually inside the lavatory or some other secret compartment made especially for screaming children and haggard parents, complete with a sound proof, lockable door.

As of Friday, I will be that parent. The one carrying an almost one year old, hiding behind a fake small, timidly walking down the all-to-narrow aisle, trying to avoid the daggers of hateful stares. And I’m terrified. In fact, that might be my newest, biggest fear: My child, in a confined space with other people, going absolutely bonkers.

We’ve all sat on a plane at some point and wished terrible things on the small human that just won’t shut up, or sit down or listen or just please, oh please, go to sleep. What’s worse is the parent that doesn’t really seem to care that 150 other people are forming a line identical to the one in Airplane! just waiting for their turn to say “Get ahold of yourself!”

I thought about roofie-ing myself once safely on board but I would wake to an angry wife, if she let me wake at all. That means our only hope is lots of diversionary toys and snacks…all of the snacks. He can’t yell with food stuffed into his face but he will if he isn’t fed fast enough. And it’s rarely fast enough for him.

So if you’re on the same flight as my family at the end of this week, I’ll apologize in advance because you know just as much as I do about how well your flight may go. But who knows, he may be fascinated with SkyMall so much so, that he falls fast asleep dreaming of 9,800 count cd holders and Yeti lawn ornaments.