Man Trivia: Fatherhood Initiation

Q: How do you know when you’ve been initiated into the fraternity of fatherhood?

A: When you’ve found it necessary to clean off 2 separate baby bodily fluids within 5 minutes of each other. 

A half-scream, half-laugh coming from the baby’s room sparked the initiation ceremony. Of course, I had to investigate and quickly found chaos. My wife, now full-fledged laughing, rushes past me towards the bathroom. As the baby lays angelically on the changing table, a shiny glimmer on the wall catches my eye. I vividly remember the torture of painting that very same wall and how nary a drop of glossy paint was used. That’s when I notice this shiny area has a shape a bit like an arch and now, the arch is slowly dripping down the wall, behind the changing table into the unseen darkness. This is also when I notice that my son’s halo has been replaced by two small horns and he is now holding a pitchfork. As I sadly look at my pee wall, I see that my wife, despite her hysteria, has managed to adorn our son with his newest accessory, a Pee Pee TeePee. This is a small cone placed over the male danger zone to prevent such things as pee walls. Obviously, it only works if applied before the urination begins.

And as I angrily think to myself how dumb an idea a pee catching device is, I hear a sound coming from underneath my son. I thought, “No way is he going to try to get out a #1 and a #2!” I rush over for some reason and my idiot-brain urges me to lift him up to see if my concern was valid, as if that plan of action would have immediately benefited anyone in the room had he actually been pooping. Turns out the sound I hear is that of liquid bouncing off the Pee Pee TeePee and hitting the plastic changing pad cover. I did not know this. So I picked up his legs, off falls the Pee Pee TeePee and like magic, I have my very own Ol’ Faithful right there in my house. It’s pretty amazing the type of distance such a small person can achieve.

In my panic, I placed my hand over the stream and suddenly realized that a pee catching device is not as dumb as I first thought. My wife missed the whole thing washing the pee off her own hands but came back to see the aftermath. I don’t remember getting hit but apparently I took some friendly fire to the shoulder. After everyone was cleaned up, I snatched up the little guy and went to lay down. I must have moved too fast because I was promptly spit up on. Another casualty, this time to the chest.

So I guess I’m part of the brotherhood now. At least I didn’t get peed and vomited on for nothing.